Friday, April 06, 2007

Confessions of a Mad Quilter: 'Quilty' as Charged!

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I have been formally charged with sewing machine abuse and neglect.

I was forced to give up custody to my local chapter of the Whitlock's Husky Varnians after losing an arm wrestling match over my beloved ( but definitely aged) Viking500. My loyal little machine was hauled off by Sewing Machine Protective Services and had to endure three weeks of interrogation, observation, and intensive de-programming.

I pled not guilty by reason of sleep deprivation and sewing room captivity. I endured major withdrawal symptoms, and extensive machine abandonment issues, while the officials determined whether I had learned my lesson and could be trusted to care for her again. I had not only neglected regular maintenance and cleaning, I had sewn copious amounts of charity quilts since the fall of 2005 without releasing her from the surge protector for more than brief periods of time.

The Sewing Police, (detective division) also found me guilty of sewing over pins (both upper and lower surfaces,) using and abusing both cheap thread and fraying cone style serger thread. I was also charged with the substitution of Schmetz needles by black market bargain needles and failure to replace defective needle plates by covering up my abuse with the use of scotch tape.

It also became obvious to the investigators that I during a photo transfer process I had not only ironed over my own rotary mat surface, but inadvertently placed that hot iron too close to my machine's electric cords.

I had not only abused my loyal little seamster with enforced servitude by running her ragged both day and night, but I had filled her with lints, scratches, blown her off with canned air and allowed myself to feel justified because I was doing public service for the common good with the creation of piles and piles of charitable quilt donations.

I was allowed to post bail yesterday and am now allowed probationary custody. The Sewing Machine Protective Services have no doubt installed monitoring devices to track my user capabilities. With any allowances for good behavior, we should be up and running, in spite of my wrist pincushion monitor, to my Community Quilting group sewing on Monday.

In my defense, I pitifully offer up this photo of two completed lap quilts....part of my community service patriotic heartstrings for the Heartstrings Quilt Project.