Goodbye Sweet, Sweet Boy: Our Tao

We took our precious boy, Tao, to a sudden.... and unexpected final goodbye.... and the journey home on the Rainbow Bridge yesterday.

And my heart is so broken that I sobbed from 6 pm into the night and even now I am crying as I write this. I am that sensitive to the loss of pets. I love and love deeply and when you have an open heart like that, loss hurts more as well. The pain of loss is simply the price of having loved and loved deeply.

And in the end the love that we have been blessed to be able to have... has to be enough for as little time as you get.  It just has to be, we have no choice except whether or not to let ourselves love in the first place.

We had simply brought him in for a 'cold' that was in his eyes but for whatever reason had me all upset and me...... who never goes to doctors unless she breaks something...  was insisting we 'had to' bring him for his eyes.... because I'd never be able to live with myself if he "died just from that."

Well, it wasn't just that.

He had FIV or Feline Immunodeficiency Virus, cat's version of Aids or more closely HIV,  which feral (or un-neuterd domestic cats) can get just from fighting with other cats who are in the wild or feral or sick, themselves.

But even then, it took a while for the vet to even suggest the test before the upper respiratory infection shot. And only because I'd said he'd been a feral cat we fed and fed and finally got to come up to us and then took in as our own.

Tao had  disappeared and been on one of his journeys for two days, over the weekend, where I'd fussed and worried and called him for our entire country roads length to no avail, and he came home finally with infected eyes, ragged fur, and acting sickly.

So, I thought he must have a 'cat cold' or upper respiratory illness, since we'd taken him last November as a feral rescue that showed up on the very day that we buried our dear friend of 40 years who we had lived next door to for 20 and lost first his wife and 12 year old daughter to a car accident in 1997 and then Greg to a hiking accident in November of last year.

To have this cat show up in our 2 acres back yard on the day of the funeral/burial for Greg, as we put him to rest in our country cemetery next to his wife and daughter...was a sign... on omen if you will, for me.

So, I named  him Tao..the journey, the path, the way...and bit by bit we socialized him and loved him until he became a precious member of our family. It was a lot of work and took a long time for each stage and each step. But we did it.

And he was the most amazing, amazing cat on the ride to the vet. He never even cried like cats do. He wanted out of the carrier like crazy, but he made no noises. and calmed when we put a finger in to scratch him.

He was amazing, amazing at the Vets. Let us put him on the exam table for his eyes and checkup perfectly fine as if he was the sweetest domesticated cat you could possible ever have.

The vet didn't even think he would test positive for the test he finally suggested as a precursor to the eyes treatment, he , too thinking that it was just a cold, since we had him so healthy except for these new tiny signs I saw and felt.

But he was sick and there is no cure and he could infect other cats who might fight with him and so we had no choice but to accept the consequences of this terrible illness in cats and say goodbye..right then with only the 20 minutes for the test to be run and the sudden news of the unexpected results. And oh, that was so hard. My heart so goes out to you that have to suddenly put your pets down. It is so hard.

We stayed with him the entire time and if you have never been able to do that, you need to do so, for it is so so calm and so quick and so simple.  We petted and loved and held him in place calmly and quietly,  me by his head, my husband on his back and the vet and tech by his flank.

He calmed right away from m touch. He layed his head down on my arm under it, and enjoyed the scratching and petting on his neck and back.  I told him how much we loved him, and we were so very glad we got our 5 months with him. That I'd named him Tao for a reason and this would be his last and final journey. And it would be easy and he would never be alone or hungry or hurt every again. And in 20 seconds he was still... and in 30 he was gone.

I was pouring tears but calm and loving and it was good for how sad and awful it was.

But because I have worked hard on my journey to have a fully open and spinning with that openness, heart, I feel and feel deeply. So, I have been sobbing every since until I finally put all of my signs and symbols and intuitive messages together and now I know how it all is another part of my own spiritual journey. One that is the most amazing challenges, and huge and unexpected losses.

But because of that, I have been given spiritual blessings of understanding, deep compassion, and the ability to make sense of the senseless even when still in grief and loss and facing other even more horrible tragedies.

I debated about sharing this, but I have taught myself to be willing to share. And so many of you share my deep love and connection with animals, so I am.

Across the Rainbow Bridge: My Blog About Pet Loss

I will add him to that page later today. I am too sad right now.

Goodbye, sweet, sweet, precious boy. Oh, how we will miss you so!



Michele Bilyeu blogs With Heart and Hands as she shares a quilting journey from Alaska to Oregon with thousands of free Quilting, Sewing, and Crafting Patterns and Tutorials. Help change the world, one little quilt, art quilt, and prayer flag at a time!

Loss

In one week, our lives can go from happy and fun, to sad.


It's simple how life is, and how balance is often achieved. If I feel one emotion at too high or two low of a pitch, I know that shortly I will feel its opposite. It helps me get through so many really challenging times, but it also reminds me during the really happy ones that the yin and yang of our lives often do balance out in ways that teach us to accept the hard times as part of this challenging journey.

One of our cherished 'pet' chickens disappeared. In our world disappeared is a euphemism for someone took, and or killed her. Neither is neither acceptable or ok right now. But both are understood.

Georgette, shown above, was the most colorful of the two chickens we have now lost  this past year, with not one single sign to tell us what has happened.

And while it's sad to even admit this, she was the most beautiful of all of the chickens we have had over the past 5 or 6 or 7 years and I have missed her terribly. Beauty does not intensify loss. I'm just sharing one of the things that we did love about her. We loved her markings the same way we love our children's face..each different and unique.

 I missed her little clutch companion, Gigi, as well..she was so funny and so unusual. But Georgette had the most engaging personality and always did her crazy little sideways race to me the moment she saw me outside,  or caught a glance of me through a window. Always. For me, chickens are closer to dogs as pets than any of my cats. If they are loved and hand fed, they become so attached to their humans in really cute and quirky ways.

So, I mourn my losses this week as I celebrate life's gains. Right now, the losses are above the balance point for our animals.  There is not one single feather to determine the cause of this loss, not one clue, not one bit of evidence and this is exactly how it was with her 'sister chicken' Gigi, when she disappeared not too very long ago, as well.

Oh, I do so love my chickens. I only wish if someone knew that their dog was killing our chickens (they would have brought them home to them) that they would just let us know. We would forgive and forget as that is often nature especially when a dog gets the taste of a chicken on the run. Once a dog catches or kills a chicken, if you live on a chicken ranch, you have to choose one or the other as that dog will always chase and kill.

We used to have ducks, and oh man, did I love our ducks!!!  They were killed by a farm dog that lived over 7 acres away and the owner, who believe it or not was a friend, laughed when I told her. As farmers, a dog was a dog, a duck was a duck, and a chicken was and is,  just a chicken. And often, when people know that their pet dog has attacked and brought home a chicken before..dead or alive, they don't want to tell you. But not knowing, as those friends who have lost family members, is often far worse than knowing.

And all of our animals become our loved ones....especially to big, soft hearted me who creates connections between all living things and find connections in all signs and symbols. It is one of my gifts that I use to help others, and one of the gifts that creates more pain because of so many connections, so many heartstrings acknowledged and understood.

I love with my whole heart even if  your 'just a chicken.' I'm not as sad as I am when its my beloved cats and dogs died..I wail like a banshee over their losses. I can literally scare my husband and send him running from the house. I feel it all as deeply as I can so I know all pain to help others with all pain. But the sadness of the loss of a our pets is a lump in my heart that will take a long while to ease. Its does knife the way a human loss does, it doesn't create the huge depression or the denials as deeply. But loss is still loss.

And I hope that both of my cherished girls' endings were quick as that is all we can hope for any one that we love.

Goodbye, sweet sweet Georgette. I miss you so much! And dear little 'road runner' Gigi..you are not forgotten, either, I loved you and I miss you, too!   Our only two 'young' chickens, the ones we hoped to have for a very long time.

So, it's not really about the survival of the fittest in the chicken world. These were the best, the brightest, and by far the fastest. So sad!

I know the tide of the universe will turn once again.  And I am so deeply grateful that my husband survived his stroke on the 16th. But loss is still loss of any kind.

Good times will replace the hard, the sad, and the bad. But it takes a while to get the sad out. And sharing loss, sharing pain, sharing our stories with others, helps me ans I hope your sharing helps you.

Many of you have lost beloved family this week. You have lost husbands, and wives, and mothers, and fathers, and yes, even children.

Many of you have lost beloved pets. And I am so deeply sorry for all of those losses.

 Love is Love...no matter who you love or how you feel and express it.

Loss is Loss...on all levels and in all stages of the heart and all levels and stages of our lives.

A chicken is not a dog, or a cat. A chicken is not a beloved family member or  potential family member.

But loss of any kind hurts, so my heart with its knowing and its experiencing of all kinds of loss goes out to you as you have shared and as you feel yours.

The tide will turn once again. The waves go in, the waves go out. Know that my heart knows, shares, and understands yours.


Across the Rainbow Bridge
my blog and poetry on pet loss


Michele Bilyeu blogs With Heart and Hands as she shares a quilting journey through her life in Salem, Oregon and Douglas, Alaska. Sewing, quilting, and wildcrafting, with small format art quilts, prayer flags, and comfort quilts for a variety of charitable programs. And best of all, sharing thousands of links to Free Quilt and Quilt Block Patterns and encouraging others to join her and make and donate quilts to charitable causes.   Help us change the world, one little quilt, art quilt, and prayer flag at a time!

Goodbye, Sweet Sophie!

Oh, it's hard to lose a pet..even when that pet is a chicken! I loved my sweet Sophie! As the Alpha female, she was usually the first one out of the coop in the morning, and the first one to lead the others back into the coop at night. We only had Sophie for three years. But she was strong, and independent and attentive, and would follow me around the yard with Penelope and Matilda following her. And so, of course, I loved her...just as I do all of our pets. They are part of our family even if they live in their own little chicken house and not inside with us! I was so sad when she died and I do miss her. And of course, it's not quite as hard as loosing a pet you are closer to than a chicken..but you wouldn't believe how much fun chickens can actually be and how attached you can get to their silly quirkiness. So, if you've every lost a small pet and felt an attachment to them, you have to know that I'm whispering 'Goodbye, sweet Sophie and thank you for all of the lovely cream colored eggs and your funny ways!" Sophie would stand up on our back deck apple crates and peer into the living room, she would knock with her beak on the patio door, and she was always the first one to come a runnin' when I cooked spaghetti noodles just for her! When my husband gave me my prayer flag arbor arch that he'd made me for this last Mother's Day, Sophie was the first of all of the chickens to cross under it. She stopped in her tracks ...right in front of it....for at least ten minutes, just chicken thinking about life, perhaps..or maybe she even had a chicken glimmer of knowing she was ill, and would soon be going over the Rainbow Bridge,! Now some people think chickens are stupid..and they say that ALL the time. Heck, I've been known to say it when it would start raining, and they all gathered on the deck on the apple crate instead of heading for their dry coop. But then again, I wouldn't go into a dark chicken coop just because it was raining, either. So, maybe they're not stupid..just optimists that the sun will come out tomorrow..and maybe even in just a few more minutes! After all, that's how we make rainbows! So, sweet Sophie..as you travel Across the Rainbow Bridge just remember we thought you were something special, you were part of our little pet family and we miss you! Loved you, sweet Sophie..even if you were just a chicken! For my other dear ones: Prayer Pocket Pillows and Praying for a Miracle Michele Bilyeu blogs With Heart and Hands as she shares a quilting journey through her life in Salem, Oregon and Douglas, Alaska. Sharing thousands of links to Free Quilt and Quilt Block Patterns and encouraging others to join in the Liberated Quilting Challenge and make or donate small art quilts to the Alzheimer's Art Quilt Initiative (AAQI) Help us change the world, one little quilt at a time!