Wednesday, November 21, 2007

A "Martha Stewart Doesn't Live Here" Thanksgiving


Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. I'm telling you in advance, so don't act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart won't be coming, I've made a few small changes:

Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries. After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.

Once inside, our guests will note that the entry hall is not decorated with the swags of Indian corn and fall foliage I had planned to make. Instead, I've gotten the kids involved in the decorating by having them track in colorful autumn leaves from the front yard. The mud was their idea.

The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china, or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone will get a fork.

Since this IS Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins from last Christmas. Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I promised. Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction paper. The artist assures me that it is a turkey.

We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain you while you wait. I'm sure they will be happy to share every choice comment I have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims and the turkey hotline. Please remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00 a.m. upon discovering that the turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds.

As accompaniment to the children's recital, I will play a recording of tribal drumming. If the children should mention that I don't own a recording of tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them. They are lying.

We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the start of our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our traditional method. We've also decided against a formal seating arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like.

In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a separate table. In a separate room. Next door.

Now, I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be happening at our dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private ceremony. I stress "private"meaning: Do not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at me.

Do not send small, unsuspecting children to check on my progress. I have an electric knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do, we will eat. I would like to take this opportunity to remind my young diners that "passing the rolls" is not a football play. Nor is it a request to bean your sister in the head with warm tasty bread.

Oh, and one reminder for the adults: For the duration of the meal, and especially while in the presence of young diners, we will refer to the giblet gravy by its lesser-known name: Cheese Sauce. If a young diner questions you regarding the origins or type of Cheese Sauce, plead ignorance. Cheese Sauce stains.

Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a choice between 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and small fingerprints. You will still have a choice; take it or leave it.

Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. She probably won't come next year either. I am thankful.

Note:
The author,most definitely NOT Martha Stewart (and for that, I am sure, she is thankful) for
"Martha Stewart Doesn't Live Here" was written by B.A. Tyler. She has previously written many humorous articles for Family Circle Magazine. Thanks 'Mac' for the info! And thank your friend for a wonderful essay that's traveled the globe via the Internet!

10 comments:

  1. Anonymous6:22 PM

    Very entertaining!!! Love it!!!

    Martha Stewart doesn't live here, either, and that's fine by me.

    Enjoy Thanksgiving!

    Gale

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  2. Leave it to you to find something totally off beat and hilarious! Thanks for the giggles!

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  3. Ok, once again I am laughing -- only now I have to stiffle it for fear of waking the sleeping toddler. Thanks!

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  4. Oh, this is too funny! Just what I needed. Things can get a little tense---even when Martha is not expected.

    Have a nice Thanksgiving!
    Linda H

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  5. OMG...I LOVE YOU!!!!that's all...must stop spasms...turkey in dryer.....cheese sauce.....haaaahaaahaha

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  6. LOL! That sounds like our thanksgiving! I must give my sister that tip about the dryer. I hope yours is wonderful.

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  7. Ok. So you win. That was the cutest thing I have read for the turkey season.

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  8. I should do a page capture and print this for my wife...but then why ruin her day, Martha could show...

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  9. What fun! My children (grown) and I have a on going thing about the glassware when we have a family dinner. I dig out the good dishes, (not china but not every day), put a table cloth on the table with my crystal candlesticks and new tapers, the good silver and the special bowl that we have used for cranberry sauce since we lived in Germany 30 some years ago. They come in and grab the cheap 4 for $1 plastic cups that we use in the summer to take drinks outside around the pool for their drinks. They look so lame on that table next to the crystal candle sticks! Martha would die but that is the way we are, I guess. However, dear Martha, I had MY drink in a real glass! LOL

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  10. Actually, a friend of mine - she writes as B.A. Tyler - wrote that. :) She's done some humor pieces for Family Circle and other well-known magazines, as well.

    If you'd be so kind as to put her name on it, I know it would mean a lot to her.

    Cheers! And though I realize this post is a couple of years old, now, here's wishing you a very happy Thanksgiving.

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Michele Bilyeu blogs "With Heart and Hands" as she journeys between Douglas, Alaska and Salem, Oregon.