Monday, December 03, 2007

Don't Bother Me, I am Sniffing Fabric Pheronomes Today


Storms are pounding Oregon today and we've already lost our tallest and most beloved willow tree...the ones all of our kids swung on as children. For consolation....I'll be in the sewing room today...sniffing fabric.

The 'scientific' research article to the positive effects of such practices has been making the rounds of the textile blogs, but I've since lost its original linking. The textile scientist may have already succumbed to her obsessive needs to purchase, touch, smell and hoard fabric and be lost in a stash pile somewhere. So, consider that thought as my official disclaimer on the missing scientifically medical one that I should be providing: Never the less, here's my evidence and I'm sticking with it!

Scientific Study Reveals Hypnotizing Effect

A recent study has indicated that fabric gives off certain pheromones, that actually hypnotize women and cause them to purchase ungodly amounts of fabric.

When stored in large quantities in enclosed spaces, the pheromones cause memory loss and induce the nesting syndrome. This is similar to the one that squirrels have before the onset of winter. They need to stock pile and store in order to perpetuate their species and not face a population loss due to their own kind being cut up into pieces and mixed with others. Sound tests have also revealed that these fabrics emit a very high-pitched sound, heard only by a select few of breed of women known as 'Quilters'.

When played backwards on an LP, the sounds are heard as chants 'buy me, cut me, sew me!" In order to overcome the so-called 'feeding frenzy effect' that these fabrics cause, one must wear a face mask when entering a storage facility and use ear plugs to avoid being pulled into their grip.
Studies have also indicated that aliens have inhabited the earth, helping to spread the effect that these fabrics have on the human population. They are called "Fabric Store Clerks." FSCs look down on shoppers with ear plugs and gas masks and do their very best to discourage the wearing of either of them an the instead urge us to "buy this, cut this, sew this."

It's also been a common experience that these same pheromones cause a pathological need to secret these fabric purchases away when taking them home ... or at least blend them into the existing stash... and when asked by a significant other if the fabric is new, the reply is "I've had it for a while".

Please don't bother me. I am sniffing fabric today. No ear plugs, no gas plug, just a happy and contented expression on my face.

shown:
my art print by Barbara LaVallee titled 'Kuspuks by the Yard' As the sign says "Fabric For Sale". Oh? Is that what I'm sniffing?

12 comments:

  1. Oh, how very funny! Especially since I bought several yards of glorious brights this weekend for a 2008 project... my stash needed restoring! THANK YOU for sharing this!!

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  2. HAH! You didn't get me this time, Missy!!! All my coffee has stayed safely in the cup!
    My DH accuses me all the time of getting high in my sewing room - I won't deny it!
    I've been wishing for some of those storms you guys are hogging, but when you put it that way I guess you can have 'em! YIKES
    I'm so sorry about your tree. Trees are like pets, and really hard to lose. Besides, 2 old beloved trees like those are inhabited by cousins of mine, the Wood Sprites, and now they'll be homeless! Have you another old beloved tree for them somewhere?

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  3. I just love the print, it is so cute. I am sorry to hear about your weather.

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  4. What a sad day when trees are toppling, I am so sorry for your Willow Tree loss. We've suffered similar circumstances in the ice storms of the last few winters here, it's sad. Love the print and the pheromones explanation, hilarious! Enjoy your "fix", I'm happy that you haven't lost your power!

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  5. Oregon has been hit by some awful storms the last few days. I'm sorry to hear about your lost trees.

    I can't wait to spend some serious sniffing time. But, alas, I have to start packing up my sewing room for our move to our new condo. I guess I'll have to wait until after the holidays to get in some sniffing time.

    Thanks for the laugh.

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  6. It's very sad when a tree goes. Sort of like losing a friend. We asked to have one tree trimmed that was overhanging our roof from the neighborhood property next to us and they cut the tree down! I felt so guilty! I didn't it want it to go, I just didn't want it to be so unruly! (The tree trimmers/cutters pointed out I still had a forest behind me but I wanted that tree too!)

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  7. So sorry about your willow tree and all the other trees. I am glad you are safe and warm during the storm.

    The fabric sniffing article is hilarious. :)

    Thanks for visiting my blog and leaving such a sweet comment. I love your blog!

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  8. Hi Michele, so sorry to hear of the loss of those dear old trees. The ancient ones are so few and so precious to both family and our country.
    We just grew 'em too big I guess. Hope the winds have abated by now, and that you are still comfortably sniffing fabric and enjoying the home fires *VBS* Hugs, Finn

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  9. Funny, funny. About the tree, the loss of one is an opportunity to plant one.

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  10. HEY! Glad to hear you "mainly" weathered the storms. Sorry about your old fir friend.

    I laughed and laughed about "large quantities of fabric" Did you peak??? Whenever I was too grouchy, my husband would send me to my sewing room for a timeout! I always tried to be grouchy during the weekend!

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  11. 1-31-09 You are a crazy woman! This article is hilarious! You need to submit it to a magazine, and I am not kidding!

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  12. Please attribute this story on Fabric Pheromones to me. Kathy Smith Harris, 1997

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Michele Bilyeu blogs "With Heart and Hands" as she journeys between Douglas, Alaska and Salem, Oregon.