Friday, April 06, 2007

Confessions of a Mad Quilter: 'Quilty' as Charged!

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I have been formally charged with sewing machine abuse and neglect.

I was forced to give up custody to my local chapter of the Whitlock's Husky Varnians after losing an arm wrestling match over my beloved ( but definitely aged) Viking500. My loyal little machine was hauled off by Sewing Machine Protective Services and had to endure three weeks of interrogation, observation, and intensive de-programming.

I pled not guilty by reason of sleep deprivation and sewing room captivity. I endured major withdrawal symptoms, and extensive machine abandonment issues, while the officials determined whether I had learned my lesson and could be trusted to care for her again. I had not only neglected regular maintenance and cleaning, I had sewn copious amounts of charity quilts since the fall of 2005 without releasing her from the surge protector for more than brief periods of time.

The Sewing Police, (detective division) also found me guilty of sewing over pins (both upper and lower surfaces,) using and abusing both cheap thread and fraying cone style serger thread. I was also charged with the substitution of Schmetz needles by black market bargain needles and failure to replace defective needle plates by covering up my abuse with the use of scotch tape.

It also became obvious to the investigators that I during a photo transfer process I had not only ironed over my own rotary mat surface, but inadvertently placed that hot iron too close to my machine's electric cords.

I had not only abused my loyal little seamster with enforced servitude by running her ragged both day and night, but I had filled her with lints, scratches, blown her off with canned air and allowed myself to feel justified because I was doing public service for the common good with the creation of piles and piles of charitable quilt donations.

I was allowed to post bail yesterday and am now allowed probationary custody. The Sewing Machine Protective Services have no doubt installed monitoring devices to track my user capabilities. With any allowances for good behavior, we should be up and running, in spite of my wrist pincushion monitor, to my Community Quilting group sewing on Monday.

In my defense, I pitifully offer up this photo of two completed lap quilts....part of my community service project.....my patriotic heartstrings for the Heartstrings Quilt Project.

3 comments:

  1. I'm so embarrassed.
    You think you know someone.
    "What happened? Where did we go wrong? You know your father and I only"..... wait, not that one..... ummm...oh yea -
    "There's starving children in Philly who"...no, not that one either.

    Wanton and Loose behaviour under the cover of Wonkiness is no excuse. I hope you've learned your lesson Missy. (Here we go!) I hope you'll take these lessons and continue your exemplary ways with donations, but be a bit more cautious. You're needed in this world and you better heed the warnings of the Quilt Police or you might not get off so easy next time!
    (((hugs&tickles)))

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  2. Thanks for the lesson on what happens if you don't take care of your sewing machine. As soon as I finished painting the newly repaired wall in my studio I promise to get my Janome Jem a thorough cleaning.

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  3. LOL...a good reason to have another machine or two-that way they all can have a rest and get taken care of in a "timely" fashion. Hope your baby runs sweetly now and you will heed the advice given.

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Michele Bilyeu blogs "With Heart and Hands" as she journeys between Douglas, Alaska and Salem, Oregon.